Planning and Planting

Planting seeds.

I planted seeds in February and fussed over them. I do it every year. I love watching things grow.

I plant seeds as an act of faith that winter will end. I plant hoping that these seeds will grow and live. I have never been able to plant one of these seedlings in a garden yet.

Two inch buds grew…. I watched with great hope. The poppies sprouted, shot up, and died first in less than two weeks. It was liking watching a graceful mass suicide.

Other seedlings grew more slowly. I repotted these seedlings carefully into larger containers sometime in April. I hovered and watered. … And watched all slowly die by May. They actually seemed to mold over so it may have been the soil.

In April, I found some heirloom Quaker tomato seeds that I had meant to plant. I tossed some into another container and left them upstairs in the warmest room in the house. One plant shot up to 4 inches in four weeks, outgrowing plants started 3 months prior. This leads me to conclude that nothing is predictable when planting.

The Quaker tomato plant has been moved to the garden. As I watch it, I hold my breath. He is the first I have ever been able to plant outside. I buried most of him to give him a good root base but a lot can happen in a Connecticut growing season.

While I struggle with seeds that should grow, I noticed one of my house plants has a weird climbing stalk that does not match the houseplant’s pointed leaves. The climbing stalk has familiar leaves; those of a tomato plant. A tomato plant is growing freely in one of my house plants. Someone is mocking me.

They say that there really is a fairy per house plant keeping it alive. I think that they might be trying to teach me a lesson. It is not logical but they are more successful than me. A tomato plant is thriving where there were no tomato seeds. Worse, parts of the tomato plant have started withering since I started watching it.

I have a sense that there is a lesson in all this. There are things that we can control and I need to learn that there are things that I can not control.

Yellow Jacket Update:

I began blasting a radio at the bedroom wall where the yellow jackets had been living last fall. I did this for 5 days in April before realizing that there are no yellow jackets leaving the hole. They were gone already. Why did my intuition tell me last fall to blast the boom box at the bedroom window wall this spring if they were already gone? I know that I did NOT scare off the yellow jackets in 5 days. I feel led astray by my intuition.

My next door neighbor still wants to shoot the hole by the bedroom window with bug killing spray. He likes killing things.

While out watering flowers, my neighbor who lives below noticed that some yellow jackets are carefully building a nest under the roofline of the shed. I ask him if I could get a boombox onto the roof to scare them off. What did he say? “Your choice of music will only scare the neighbors, not the bees. Is that fair to the neighbors?”

Bill III

I went to Bill’s memorial service. I was wondering what he would look like if I saw him. Supposedly ghosts like to attend their funerals. I don’t see ghosts so I had no expectation of seeing one, just a curiosity. No- that’s not true. I was a little anxious that I might start seeing them.

We only saw Bill in suits at work. I wondered what Bill would wear if we saw him. I had a sense that he loved to dress up and add his dash of flair and color to every outfit he wore. He has a hot sauce tie that matched impeccably with his suit and shirt so that it looked like a beautiful outfit, not a tacky tie with a suit. He wore a lot of jewel tones (purples, blues) so that I noticed a vibrancy of color in his perfect color coordination.

A co-worker thought that Bill would wear a Hawaiian shirt and khakis on his free time. I had a sense of a casual suit. During the memorial service, I held my breath anxiously. I did so because I never know what to expect anymore. Thankfully, I saw no ghosts.

During one song, I saw Bill in my mind’s eye in a casual tan suit, probably a linen suit, get into a Cadillac convertible and ride straight into the sun. This suit idea conflicted with my co-worker’s idea so I doubted my vision. We asked his sister after the service what Bill would wear and she confirmed that he loved to dress well. If not doing work around the farm and going out, he’d be wearing a suit.

That was Bill riding into the spirit realm in style.

Beta Watch

My beta fish is struggling. He is starting to be unable to control himself physically. He rolls into a floating position every once in a while. I am upset about him. I feel like we are on the beta deathwatch.

He has the white mark of trouble on his fin. I have tried three different kinds of ‘medicine’ for it to no avail. There is never much that can be done for a fish.

While searching for another brand of beta medicine, the person working at the pet shop said that three years is a long life for a beta fish, as if I should be happy he lasted so long. I still wish that there was more that I could do. It is hard to watch him struggle and do nothing.

My shamanic teacher always says sometimes it is their time to go. Despite what I wrote about Bill, I wish there was someway to stop this process and help my fish. There may be a lovely warm pond up in the sky for him but I am not ready to let him go. That sounds really selfish. Also, if he dies, what do I do with the snails who live in his bowl? They came with the live plant I got from the expensive retail pet shop.

Unexpected surprise

At work, I was slapped with a label by a smart ass. On it was drawn a butterfly drawn in red marker. I was excited.

I saw a butterfly today.

Bill III

Monday:

Someone talked to Bills’ family. According to his family, the neighbor does not know what they were talking about in relation to Bill. When their brother gets home, the family will consult with the doctors about his course of treatment.

Tuesday:

I got the news today. Bill died. My friend from work who called was upset. Normally, I would be too but all I can think of is the woman waiting for Bill. My impression is that woman can’t wait to see him again. I am kind of excited for him.

Bill II

When I went back to work on April 12, I asked if there had been any news from Bill’s family. There is not. But I did find out that Bill broke ribs, his collar bone and developed water on the brain as a result of his fall. His neighbor had been back in to the store and says Bill’s brother has been on vacation and returns this weekend.

I asked my spirit guides for help going to meet Bill. Instead of my planning a journey, I asked them to help me. I began to walk…. In a frozen snowy field. Several wolves ran along side me on either side of the path. (I have seen them for many years and assumed that they were dogs.) I asked about some medicine animals accompanying me and asked, “Wolf?” Heard nothing. “Bear?” Still no reply.

Then, I heard, “Yak.” A yak was the medicine animal this time. I do not know what they do or symbolize. I am not going to lie. I do not know a ---- thing about them. I like yaks and even have a yak bell, but I am clueless as to what they look like.

‘Himalayas- mountains’ occurred to me. I look up and see mountains. Snowy peaks greet me. Next thing, I am wearing warm clothes and am walking up hill. I do not see how I am going to see, find or talk to Bill like this. This feels off the wall.

Snow begins to fall. There is a flurry of it in my face. I think of Bill and he appears before me in a parka with a furry collar. Snow flurries between us. I don’t think that I will be able to hear him.

He is in front of me but because of the snow, I do not see his eyes as clearly. As a result, I wonder about my impression of his perfect mental clarity that I had prior. It is like I am actually talking to him in a snowstorm somewhere.

“Bill, how are you?”

“Doing as well as can be expected,” he replies.

I do not want to say anything wrong after last time. I do not know what to say. I ask, “How are you feeling?”

“I am ready for sun,” he said. He nods as if with certainty. “I am ready to stand in the sun.”

I think that this desire for a change, and to stand in the sun is a good sign. “Is there anything I can do to help?”

He smiles and says, “You have done enough already.” This is why I love this man. I have done absolutely NOTHING for him and he can say that. Also he says it so graciously like he truly means it.

“Bill, your sister is saying that you are going to be ok.”

“She does that,” he replied.

I am silent to avoid saying anything wrong. I wish that I could say something meaningful, but I can think of nothing.

Bill continues, “I want to- I want to see my brother one more time.”

We don’t say much else. As I wait for something to happen or words to come to me, Bill and I grow distant as space jumps between us.

This time, I see a horse and rider encircle him. I notice the gait on the horse; it is light and graceful with a pretty step. This is probablyan expensive horse. I wonder if he and the horse have any connection.

Next, I realize that there is an intensity to the gaze of the rider of the horse towards Bill. Is it a man or a woman? This person is fiercely guarding Bill, probably has been for some time. As I wonder about the sex of the rider, I see gold highlights on a brown ponytail.

Afterwards, I began to conclude that the person is a woman. There is a woman waiting for Bill on the other side. This is not a family member. She loves him very much, with a burning romantic intensity….

Ok, what do I know?!! It could be a family member. This could be his mother on the horse. I sense intensity. Family members feel like comforting warmth. This feels like a burning intensity-something I personally have not experienced. The feeling is so intense that I feel like something really good awaits Bill.

Bill I

One of my favorite co-workers is Bill. I don’t know him well but I know that he is kind and decent. He is an older man, possibly in his seventies. He lives on a farm with his sister where she keeps rescued horses.

On Monday, another co-worker announced to me that Bill is actually brain dead. His neighbor knows somehow. I had not even heard that Bill was sick.

This is a shock and a loss. If it is true, it is a tragedy.

There is lots of rumor at work. Often it is true. This sounded like cold gossip.

I decided to try to meditate and meet up with Bill to verify the truth. If he is in a coma, I might be able to talk to him. If he was just injured, I might be able to see him, assess his state and possibly help.

I planned to go to a certain field and meet up with what I think is Bill’s higher self. As I planned it, an image of Bill appeared in a suit like he would wear at work.

On Monday night, I went to try to talk to Bill in the spiritual field. He came up in a tan tunic of some sort. His eyes were bright and clear. He looked very mentally alert to me.

I said, "Hello Bill. How are you doing?"

He said, "Pretty good considering." That sounded like Bill’s dry humor. I thought his eyes were crinkling in a smile when he spoke. It may have been my imagination.

Not knowing what to do (there is not script for these things), I proceeded clumsily. "Bill, you have to go on a long journey (death). Are you ready?"

He just stared. I thought he began to look blank. He said nothing for 45 seconds. His not saying anything worried me.

Should I not have mentioned death? Does he not know? Was it not appropriate? Is he going to be ok and I just introduced some inappropriate idea?

"Bill would you like me to tell anyone anything? Is there anything I can do to help you?"

Again, he did not answer. My worrying about shamanic inadequacies and myself was ruining my concentration. I could not hear anything or think of anything else to say.

As I wondered, the picture of Bill changed. He was off in the near distance maybe ten feet away. He was surrounded by all kinds of animals. There was a black bird on his shoulder. He comes from a family of animal lovers so their presence was not surprising.

He did not respond to me after I implied death. From this, I assumed that he does not know he is dying. Maybe he is not dying. Maybe he is not ready to go. He could be hanging on for some reason. Or, he could be getting ready to walk out of the hospital soon in perfect health.

At work, the only facts from his family are that he is fallen and is in the hospital. Maybe that is all we need to know. I hate to hear gossip about when I care about the person.

At first, I didn't know what to make of this. Now it occurred to me that the black bird was a crow. In spiritual terms, the crow is a sign of magic and powerful transformation. To the Irish, a crow is often a sign that someone has passed away. Time will tell.