Unexpected surprise

At work, I was slapped with a label by a smart ass. On it was drawn a butterfly drawn in red marker. I was excited.

I saw a butterfly today.

Bill III

Monday:

Someone talked to Bills’ family. According to his family, the neighbor does not know what they were talking about in relation to Bill. When their brother gets home, the family will consult with the doctors about his course of treatment.

Tuesday:

I got the news today. Bill died. My friend from work who called was upset. Normally, I would be too but all I can think of is the woman waiting for Bill. My impression is that woman can’t wait to see him again. I am kind of excited for him.

Bill II

When I went back to work on April 12, I asked if there had been any news from Bill’s family. There is not. But I did find out that Bill broke ribs, his collar bone and developed water on the brain as a result of his fall. His neighbor had been back in to the store and says Bill’s brother has been on vacation and returns this weekend.

I asked my spirit guides for help going to meet Bill. Instead of my planning a journey, I asked them to help me. I began to walk…. In a frozen snowy field. Several wolves ran along side me on either side of the path. (I have seen them for many years and assumed that they were dogs.) I asked about some medicine animals accompanying me and asked, “Wolf?” Heard nothing. “Bear?” Still no reply.

Then, I heard, “Yak.” A yak was the medicine animal this time. I do not know what they do or symbolize. I am not going to lie. I do not know a ---- thing about them. I like yaks and even have a yak bell, but I am clueless as to what they look like.

‘Himalayas- mountains’ occurred to me. I look up and see mountains. Snowy peaks greet me. Next thing, I am wearing warm clothes and am walking up hill. I do not see how I am going to see, find or talk to Bill like this. This feels off the wall.

Snow begins to fall. There is a flurry of it in my face. I think of Bill and he appears before me in a parka with a furry collar. Snow flurries between us. I don’t think that I will be able to hear him.

He is in front of me but because of the snow, I do not see his eyes as clearly. As a result, I wonder about my impression of his perfect mental clarity that I had prior. It is like I am actually talking to him in a snowstorm somewhere.

“Bill, how are you?”

“Doing as well as can be expected,” he replies.

I do not want to say anything wrong after last time. I do not know what to say. I ask, “How are you feeling?”

“I am ready for sun,” he said. He nods as if with certainty. “I am ready to stand in the sun.”

I think that this desire for a change, and to stand in the sun is a good sign. “Is there anything I can do to help?”

He smiles and says, “You have done enough already.” This is why I love this man. I have done absolutely NOTHING for him and he can say that. Also he says it so graciously like he truly means it.

“Bill, your sister is saying that you are going to be ok.”

“She does that,” he replied.

I am silent to avoid saying anything wrong. I wish that I could say something meaningful, but I can think of nothing.

Bill continues, “I want to- I want to see my brother one more time.”

We don’t say much else. As I wait for something to happen or words to come to me, Bill and I grow distant as space jumps between us.

This time, I see a horse and rider encircle him. I notice the gait on the horse; it is light and graceful with a pretty step. This is probablyan expensive horse. I wonder if he and the horse have any connection.

Next, I realize that there is an intensity to the gaze of the rider of the horse towards Bill. Is it a man or a woman? This person is fiercely guarding Bill, probably has been for some time. As I wonder about the sex of the rider, I see gold highlights on a brown ponytail.

Afterwards, I began to conclude that the person is a woman. There is a woman waiting for Bill on the other side. This is not a family member. She loves him very much, with a burning romantic intensity….

Ok, what do I know?!! It could be a family member. This could be his mother on the horse. I sense intensity. Family members feel like comforting warmth. This feels like a burning intensity-something I personally have not experienced. The feeling is so intense that I feel like something really good awaits Bill.

Bill I

One of my favorite co-workers is Bill. I don’t know him well but I know that he is kind and decent. He is an older man, possibly in his seventies. He lives on a farm with his sister where she keeps rescued horses.

On Monday, another co-worker announced to me that Bill is actually brain dead. His neighbor knows somehow. I had not even heard that Bill was sick.

This is a shock and a loss. If it is true, it is a tragedy.

There is lots of rumor at work. Often it is true. This sounded like cold gossip.

I decided to try to meditate and meet up with Bill to verify the truth. If he is in a coma, I might be able to talk to him. If he was just injured, I might be able to see him, assess his state and possibly help.

I planned to go to a certain field and meet up with what I think is Bill’s higher self. As I planned it, an image of Bill appeared in a suit like he would wear at work.

On Monday night, I went to try to talk to Bill in the spiritual field. He came up in a tan tunic of some sort. His eyes were bright and clear. He looked very mentally alert to me.

I said, "Hello Bill. How are you doing?"

He said, "Pretty good considering." That sounded like Bill’s dry humor. I thought his eyes were crinkling in a smile when he spoke. It may have been my imagination.

Not knowing what to do (there is not script for these things), I proceeded clumsily. "Bill, you have to go on a long journey (death). Are you ready?"

He just stared. I thought he began to look blank. He said nothing for 45 seconds. His not saying anything worried me.

Should I not have mentioned death? Does he not know? Was it not appropriate? Is he going to be ok and I just introduced some inappropriate idea?

"Bill would you like me to tell anyone anything? Is there anything I can do to help you?"

Again, he did not answer. My worrying about shamanic inadequacies and myself was ruining my concentration. I could not hear anything or think of anything else to say.

As I wondered, the picture of Bill changed. He was off in the near distance maybe ten feet away. He was surrounded by all kinds of animals. There was a black bird on his shoulder. He comes from a family of animal lovers so their presence was not surprising.

He did not respond to me after I implied death. From this, I assumed that he does not know he is dying. Maybe he is not dying. Maybe he is not ready to go. He could be hanging on for some reason. Or, he could be getting ready to walk out of the hospital soon in perfect health.

At work, the only facts from his family are that he is fallen and is in the hospital. Maybe that is all we need to know. I hate to hear gossip about when I care about the person.

At first, I didn't know what to make of this. Now it occurred to me that the black bird was a crow. In spiritual terms, the crow is a sign of magic and powerful transformation. To the Irish, a crow is often a sign that someone has passed away. Time will tell.

Brian I: Love is all there Is

I have been awake since 5:30am with a nagging that I need to write about Brian. Brian’s death was the start of weird things happening.

Brian, aged 43, committed suicide over a year ago. I didn’t actually know him; I was an acquaintance. I know his brother on an acquaintance / boss basis. I saw his brother a week later and felt for him. He was dealing with his grief in public.

Grief is a tricky thing. It can be vicious. You can be sucker punched by it at any time. Convention says one should be back to “normal” after someone you love dies. There is a time for mourning, and then convention says you should be over it like a cold. In truth, you can be hit by intense emotions three years after a death of someone close. Convention does not allow for that and should you not conform, alienation is your only friend.

Brian was young. I wondered what could make a grown man shoot himself in the prime of his life.

The download began. The words “tortured mind,” “overwhelming despair” and “possible extortion” appeared in my mind’s eye. Then I got a picture of Brian walking forward peacefully with his hands in his pocket. He was calm. I saw him in casual but beautiful (GQ Cover look) clothes: a sports coat, nice pants and expensive shoes. The image was of a man at peace with himself. The image was also a message. He wanted his family to know that he was at peace.

I faced an internal struggle. I wanted Brian’s brother to know he was at peace, but I feared looking like a lunatic at work. (Blah, blah, story of my internal struggles for past few years.) In the end, I felt that the right thing to do was to pass all the information along to Brian’s brother and family. Wasn’t that what the picture was for? In the end, love is all there is.

Brian sent love. He wanted peace for his family. He was sorry for any trouble that he caused and wanted his family to know that he loved them. He died because he was too tortured to live and now he was at peace.

From beyond, we get a picture of a happy ending. Brian is in spirit; peace, love and forgiveness is all that matters to them.