Brian I: Love is all there Is

I have been awake since 5:30am with a nagging that I need to write about Brian. Brian’s death was the start of weird things happening.

Brian, aged 43, committed suicide over a year ago. I didn’t actually know him; I was an acquaintance. I know his brother on an acquaintance / boss basis. I saw his brother a week later and felt for him. He was dealing with his grief in public.

Grief is a tricky thing. It can be vicious. You can be sucker punched by it at any time. Convention says one should be back to “normal” after someone you love dies. There is a time for mourning, and then convention says you should be over it like a cold. In truth, you can be hit by intense emotions three years after a death of someone close. Convention does not allow for that and should you not conform, alienation is your only friend.

Brian was young. I wondered what could make a grown man shoot himself in the prime of his life.

The download began. The words “tortured mind,” “overwhelming despair” and “possible extortion” appeared in my mind’s eye. Then I got a picture of Brian walking forward peacefully with his hands in his pocket. He was calm. I saw him in casual but beautiful (GQ Cover look) clothes: a sports coat, nice pants and expensive shoes. The image was of a man at peace with himself. The image was also a message. He wanted his family to know that he was at peace.

I faced an internal struggle. I wanted Brian’s brother to know he was at peace, but I feared looking like a lunatic at work. (Blah, blah, story of my internal struggles for past few years.) In the end, I felt that the right thing to do was to pass all the information along to Brian’s brother and family. Wasn’t that what the picture was for? In the end, love is all there is.

Brian sent love. He wanted peace for his family. He was sorry for any trouble that he caused and wanted his family to know that he loved them. He died because he was too tortured to live and now he was at peace.

From beyond, we get a picture of a happy ending. Brian is in spirit; peace, love and forgiveness is all that matters to them.