Went to a small business planning seminar at 8am on my day off. I did so at the request of a loan officer.
I am not a morning person so this was cruel and unusual punishment. I was walking a dog at 5am to make sure I was on time.
The loan officer had told me about it and said specifically, “We can talk afterwards.” I went specifically to talk to him about my business loan. As the seminar ended, I noticed he launched into a conversation with someone just as I was getting up. I thought nothing of it.
I had to go up to him later to ask if we were still meeting. Turns out, he had no intention of meeting now at all. “Your loan is in the queue, we will probably meet in a week or two.” I had the strong impression of a carrot, a stick and a donkey. I was not pleased. Here is the reason for one of the blue jays.
I think that this loan officer likes power over. This does not impress me. Nor does one’s word not matching one’s actions. Integrity is built upon doing what you say. Looking back, there were several people there at the seminar who had asked no questions. An hour was left for questions and none were asked. No one was interested in further discussion. I think that there was a possibility that they were there to appear for the loan officer rather than because they saw the need. I thought that the seminar was worthwhile but I never would have willingly attended it at 8am. The loan officer scheduled the lecture then began pressuring people to attend in order to have a good attendance.
I do not want to accept money from this man or his bank. He will be holding it over my head for the life of the loan.
I need a loan to start a business. They do not write about dickheads in the wise manuals on how to start a business. I will have a problem if he is the only bank willing to lend me money. The blue jay was a warning about him and procrastination in my life. Hope I don’t get visited by three ghosts warning me of my unused potential….
Saw another Blue Jay. He hopped from branch to branch making a scene. He dropped to the ground fifteen feet in front of us, then dashed back up to a branch. I can’t see any reason for him to touch down on the ground. That is acting weird for a bird. I assume I need to read about Blue jays.
Personally, I see the blue jay as a beautiful, quiet powerful bird. The blue color is always so striking. This fall, I have seen seven or eight quietly alighting on branches nearby.
According to Ted Andrews (2003), blue jays offer lessons in the proper use of power and the need to avoid dabbling in things. “(I)t can reflect lessons in using power properly. It can also reflect lessons in not allowing yourself to be placed in a position in which power is used against you (p. 121).” I know more than a few people wanting power over. Andrews continues with dabbling which I hope that I do not do. “Those with a jay as a totem usually have tremendous amount of ability, but can be scattered or it is not developed any more than is necessary to get by (p. 122).” I do have a lot of jewelry projects unfinished on my jewelry table. I also have sketches of jewelry ideas I have been shown. Have I started any of them?????? Am I a dabbler??? I have seen more blue jays this fall than any other time in my life. These blue jays are definitely signs for me, but meaning what?
“It is not unusual to find individuals with blue jays as totems being dabblers- especially in the psychic and metaphysical field. They know a little bit about a lot of things, and they use that knowledge to sometimes give the impression that they know more, or are true masters…(p. 122)” Ouch! Let us hope that is not my lesson!!!!! I am not wise enough to want to see it. Andrews writes that we must work hard and develop talents that we are given.
“If the jay has moved into your life, …you are moving into a time where you can begin to develop the innate royalty within you, or simply be a pretender to the throne. It all depends on you. The jay has no qualms. It will teach you either direction (p. 122). Andrews writes much more on blue jays and other interesting birds in all of his books.
Andrews, Ted. (2003). Animal Speak; The spiritual & magical powers of creatures great and small. (Llewellyn Publications, MN).
We (my customer with the torque and I) talked about history. His favorite historical time period is set in Byzantium before the time of Constantine (300 CE). He actually liked Byzantine battles and knew famous generals’ names. He talked of battles involving a 100,000 men.
He told me an interesting story about Flavius the Delayer. He was successful because he never actually fought a battle.
In order to avoid spreading bad history or misinformation, I tried to google Flavius the Delayer. I did not find anyone historically referred to as such. I did find Flavius Gratianus (359-383 CE) whose uncle did not wait for him and went into battle with Visigoths (early Germans?) never to return. There were rumors that Flavius did not rush as his uncle was a potential heir to the throne (www.roman-empire.net/collapse/gratian.html) but in truth, his uncle faced such odds that there was never a likely happy ending whether Flavius Gratian appeared then or not.
I know nothing about military history in that area or in that time. I know the term Byzantium because I love the tile work in the ceilings of early Byzantine Churches. I also like the history of early Christianity. How and why did certain churches and religious traditions form? That area’s history is key to that answer.
They don’t teach about Byzantium or military history in the area of Turkey, Eastern Europe and the Middle East in any college classes. You have to know about the time and place to find books covering those areas. I believe that you have to already know about Byzantium to know that you are interested in finding out more. I have spent time studying history and no one has EVER mentioned this time or place as a favorite time period. I have worked with and run into faculty on the way to and from academic conferences; none have ever mentioned a research interest in this area.
On a military tangent, I never heard of the battle of Masada (74 CE) until I ran across a reference to it while study early Buddhism and maritime history. At Masada, Jewish warriors and civilians committed mass suicide to avoid giving Romans a victory after a long siege. There are no sculptures of dying Jewish warriors by Greek or Roman sculptors (in the tradition of The Dying Gaul) that I know of…
If you are not a history buff, the following will read, “blah, blah, blah.” I know this because my young co-worker read it and blurted out, “Oh my GOD you are putting ME to sleep!!!!!” I am posting it anyway. I have been to many battle sites on the East coast- I love history. History at its best is a good story.
Do you believe in past lives? I have had much experience thinking about them. Western thinkers have good reasons not to believe in them but will have a richer experience if we admit to them.
A customer walked in tonight wearing a torque. He got it at a renaissance fair. I am sure that the desire to attend a renaissance fair is proof of past lives, but I digress.
A torque is a heavy 2 inch thick metal necklace or decorative metal collar with an opening in the front bordered by decorative metal ends. They can be quite ornate. I said, “Nice necklace.” The young man told me that it was a torque and was then surprised that I knew what he meant.
As an art history major (a very useful major), I remember the torques on display as examples of early metal work in Europe. They were heavy looking things in a museum in Ireland. I wondered how one put one on. I assumed that a torque was an Irish or Celtic thing.
I wondered what it would look like on a person until I saw the picture of the sculpture The Dying Gaul (220 BCE). In the sculpture, the man was naked except for the torque and had a noticeably somber look and battered face. Gaul then referred to modern day France.
The residents of Gaul were depicted by the Romans then as barbarians. Invading colonizers always call the rebellious barbarians. Back then, the Romans had a few bad days fighting the rebellious men of Gaul who would occasionally fight naked as a show of strength and fearsome bravery. The Romans were glad when they finally subdued the men of Gaul (hence the Greek copy of a Roman statue about a defeated soldier The Dying Gaul) so that they could move on to problem peoples such as the Celts and Druids in England. My customer talked about the role of Romans in everyday life back then.
Rome was a ‘civilizing force’ in history, but at the time, they were known as oppressive tax collectors. No one wanted the civilization they offered. Ireland was never colonized by Rome and one man (the author of How Ireland Saved Civilization) credits that fact for the great number of great writers from that country.
I talked to the young man for a while. He had a love of celtic culture. Had a celtic Irish pattern tattoo on his arm. In addition, he has a Scottish pattern of tartan that he has picked out as a favorite. (Ireland and Scotland have nothing in common but a former hatred of England as a force of oppression.) He told me that tartans only became a tradition in the 1800’s, not earlier history. Interesting detail, he was born in Germany and has no Irish or Scottish genes anywhere in the family gene pool. His relatives were Prussian. After he mentioned Germany, I mentioned the German Hessians who were the paid marksmen in the English army during the Revolutionary War. This young man had never heard of Hessians. He also never heard of the military might of the Prussian army just a few centuries ago. He loves military history but knows nothing about the military history of his current ancestors. Is this possible? Does it make sense? It struck me as odd that a history buff knew nothing about important historical talking points from his own country’s history.
In another way, it makes perfect sense that he has had past lives. I am sure that he had a past life in the middle East around the time of Christ and in Ireland a long time ago.
PS. According to Wikopedia,
“The Dying Gaul (in Italian: Galata Morente) is an ancient Roman marble copy of a lost Hellenistic sculpture that is thought[1] to have been executed in bronze, which was commissioned some time between 230 BC and 220 BC by Attalus I of Pergamon to celebrate his victory over the Celtic Galatians in Anatolia. The present base was added after its rediscovery. The identity of the sculptor of the original is unknown, but it has been suggested that Epigonus, the court sculptor of the Attalid dynasty of Pergamon, may have been its sculptor.”
“The statue depicts a dying Celt with remarkable realism, particularly in the face, and may have been painted.[2] He is represented as a Gallic warrior with a typically Gallic hairstyle and moustache. The figure is naked save for a neck torc. (The spelling ‘torc’ is what you get when you rely on Wikopedia). He lies on his fallen shield while his sword and other objects lie beside him.”
I have been thinking about that stingray and wondering what he could mean for that little girl. The water is a place for delving into or dealing with emotions and emotional issues.
A heron walks in the water and on land. Whenever I see one, I know that I will be mulling, dealing with and enduring deep emotions or emotional issues. A stingray lives in deep water normally. It looked like it was trying to hug her so I can’t help but wonder if this is an emotional or sensitive child.
According to Ted Andrews, a stingray has an electro-receptor on its snout which one uses to find buried food. Some emit low-level electrical pulses, which alert them to danger or lead them to food. “When stingrays are totems or messengers, people get tingling sensations to alert them to the presence of danger, treasure, etc. …When the stingray appears, trust in your own inner guidance (Andrews, 1999, p. 401).” Andrews talks about stingrays signifying gracefulness navigating in any setting. He also mentions a stinging tail which can be used for defense.
As I think about the stingray bobbing up towards the girl’s face, I think it really means something special. I think she is coming into her psychic ability and the stingray could sense it. Most creatures (cats, dogs, birds, horses, elephants, etc) are psychic. This little girl needs to be taught to trust her intuition and guidance, which we usually squelch in kids. I also wonder if she is special in any other ways. If I heard she worked for an aquarium twenty years from now, I would not be surprised.
Andrews, Ted. (1999). Animal Wise: The Spirit Language and Signs of Nature. (Dragon Hawk Publishing, TN).
On my day off, I went to my dentist in Groton. I drive an hour because I like the entire staff. Afterwards, I walked around the Mystic Aquarium nearby. While there, my intuition told me to stop by the metaphysical bookstore Mystical Horizons in Mystic on the way home.
It is $26 per person to get in to the Mystic Aquarium on a day visit, but $60 per person to visit all year round with a membership. I go all winter long sometimes just for an hour. I feel my energy rise just walking through the animal enclosures.
I can hear Paul Simon singing “It’s all happening at the zoo…” as I walk up to the penguin area. Sometimes I just sit on the stairs by the whale pond and wait for a beluga to rub against the glass for babystollers.
In the 1990’s, the whales were located inside the aquarium in the circular tank. One beluga followed me from right to left, then left to right while keeping an eye me as I thought I was walking around him. I am not special, the beluga whale liked to follow people. I thought I was imagining it until a volunteer confirmed it. I have not had this feeling at any other aquarium. The Mystic Aquarium is a special place.
On this visit, the penguins swam around; sometimes they just stand by their inner door. Two rescue seals dashed around their round pool, leaping onto a landing to look ready for what they thought was arriving food. It was all happening at the pools.
As I walked by the stingray touch pool, I noticed a little girl almost hugging a ray. Normally they swim in circular laps around the pool’s edge. A stingray was bobbing up (its head was two to three inches out of water each time) and down right on front of her as if to get closer to her. I was stunned. If ever there was a sign of a creature wanting to be noticed as a sign, this was it. I exclaimed! Unfortunately, the child’s grandmother snapped that they had been doing that to all her grandkids all day. She did not hear how special this little girl must be.
Again I heard geese today. They are migrating South so it is not unusual to hear them, but I think that there is more to it. I have had weird encounters with geese, enough to have to read Ted Andrews writings on geese many times. It usually means I need to start writing or start to link things together in writing.
“The goose is thus a totem reflecting a stimulation of childhood thrill and belief in stories and legendary places. The story(s) we most loved in childhood often reflect the life quest we have come to take upon us in this lifetime. That is why it resonated with us so strongly. … The goose can also be a totem to aid you in communication especially through the use of stories. Its feather for a long time was the standard writing instrument…. Individuals wishing to write- be it stories or anything-can facilitate the process by working with the goose as a totem. It will stimulate the imagination and help you move through creative blocks” (Ted Andrews, 2003, Animal Speak).
What is your favorite childhood story? Mine was The Secret Garden. It is the story of a young spoiled girl who moves to England to live with her cousin and uncle. The uncle is absent, typical of all children’s books. The little girl is lonely until she finds a key to a forgotten garden. She tends it, in a process which consumes her, bringing it back to life. She bullies her spoiled sickly cousin into activity and he is transformed into a normal healthy boy. There is a magical transformation of an overgrown garden into a beautiful place. The story also features a transformation in the relationship between father and son. What was distant is no more.
I have always loved transformations. I love painting rooms in a house just to see a before and after. To really transform any room, start with bright white ceiling paint first. I used to decorate for parties for a magical before and after. I also love it when people repair and patch up friendships and family relationships. To this day, I hate ending friendships even when the person is not really a friend just because I hate to sever things.
In the story, the girl tends a garden. I have had plants for 20 years. I really love each of them. Really, we are all transformed by our connections with earth and nature.
When I planted my garden, I just like to watch things grow. I want tomatoes with flavor, but in truth, it is usually cheaper to just buy vegetables rather than pay for the garden expenses like the water bill.
As a person, I tend to meet people when they are in a process of growth and need help getting to the next step. I did career counseling for a few years and enjoyed encouraging people’s career dreams. I spent a lot of time and energy helping people sort out their career needs. It was hard when some people could see their dream but were too lazy to do anything about them. I often run into people who need encouragement to go back to school. I like healing because I can help people feel better emotionally and physically.
What do geese mean? Stories can be powerful messengers in our own lives. What was your favorite childhood story? According to Ted Andrews, there is a key to your purpose in life or life’s work in the stories you loved as a child.
In the spring, my intuition kept hinting that I should get a dog. Dogs are a lot of work if cared for properly so this was not a quick decision to make.
I brought home a rescued dog in August. He is about eight years old. Older dogs are great in that they want to sleep all the time. Puppies need and want attention all the time. Walking an older dog sometimes requires waking him. This is a wonderful thing. I have been walking him morning, noon and night with the help of my beloved. It is nice to be outside in the beautiful weather.
Walking a male dog means waiting for him to sniff and pee. I have been noticing a number of birds and insects. Some seem to call my attention. I also noticed squirrels collecting nuts in mid August which I think is early for them. I read once that animals collecting nuts can be a barometer for how bad the upcoming winter might be.
Animals can come to us as signs and messengers. In the past few weeks, I have repeatedly seen Blue Jays, and had a crow cawing at me from a roof top at 7am on a Sunday. The crow was cawing and cawing to the point that he was getting rude. Crows are usually helpful to me so I didn’t think twice about him but I might need to read about him. Crow usually means magic and transformation coming or in progress.
Two nights in a row, I heard Canadian geese flying overhead but could not find them in the sky. I heard the same thing this morning. Why can’t I find the geese? I am wondering if I need to read about them. Usually they are a message about writing, which I had been postponing, but I think that there is more to it.
June
This past Spring, we all watched and waited for better news as oil surged into the waters of the Gulf area. It went on week after week. I remembered the pictures of oil-covered coastline, birds and animals from the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska (1989) as the news of the Gulf continued. So much potential damage with no end in sight due to the oil surging from the ground.
I have strong feelings about the oil spill. It was hard to know what to write. I was so upset.
Couldn’t more have been done all along? Couldn’t more be done to contain the oil rather than look good for news crews at every step of the way? Injustice burned and I wanted to be angry. That is not helpful.
According to the laws of the universe (as seen in the book and movie The Secret), what we focus on will yield results or appear (manifest). If I focus on the lack of concern and effort by BP, that is what I will see. If I focus on the destruction of plants, animals, habitats and people’s livelihoods, that is what will occur. If I could imagine healing in the Gulf, that would occur.
In shamanic terms, one must walk away from the past and into the future, which we create daily. According to the movie The Field of Dreams, “build it and they will come….” I personally struggle with only believing that my past is all that I am when it is not true. The snake sheds its skin (its past) regularly as we all can do.
Dr. Masaru Emoto, author of The Hidden Messages of Water, is the Japanese scientist who has studied the effects of emotion on water. He did so analyzing slides of frozen water crystals for many years. Dr. Emoto has proposed that we all send love and intentions of healing to the Gulf. Sending love with bring physical healing to the area.
"I send the energy of love and gratitude to the water and all the living creatures in the Gulf of Mexico and its surroundings. To the whales, dolphins, pelicans, fish, shellfish, planktons, corals, algae and all living creatures..... I am sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you."
Watching the ghost hunting shows is one of my guilty pleasures. I had to come out of the closet at Christmas when there was a ghost-hunting marathon on Christmas Day. I wanted to watch past episodes while peeling potatoes. My mother had not seen me in a while so she was quiet at first. After the third episode, she let me know she thought it was all made up. I would not be happy if I thought any of it was faked.
My beloved developed a desire to hunt for ghosts. When he told me, I wanted to be encouraging. It is nothing that I want to do but I don’t want to discourage him.
Unfortunately, I got a gut level, knee jerk feeling of alarm. My intuition told me, “Something will follow him home!!!!!” It was a strong desperate feeling too. I did not tell him this at first, as I didn’t want to be that person who puts the damper on another’s dreams. What do I do with that information then? I told him about forms of protection to imagine and use.
No one ever mentions on any ghost hunting shows that things can follow you home. Is it true? I believe it but have to wonder why it is not common knowledge if true.
My beloved came home from a paranormal lecture, which he really enjoyed. What did he learn? Ghosts can follow you home. Turns out, they are curious about us at times. One followed a man home and hung out in his son’s room until he could figure out how to get it to leave.
In the Hartford Courant published April 30, a reporter interviewed Richard Lapointe. Twenty years ago, he was convicted of murdering his wife’s grandmother. At the time, he signed three confessions all the while telling police that he loved his grandmother-in-law.
He confessed to killing her. It looks bad.
He has an IQ of 80. He does not remember admitting to murder. In the article, he is quoted as saying he never confessed; he is not a stupid man. He would never do that. He just remembers that the police kept talking and he could not go home.
He signed one confession saying he strangled his grandmother-in-law with his bare hands. A medical examiner testified that she was strangled with pressure from a blunt object. Lapointe signed a second confession indicating that he stabbed his 88-year-old grandmother in law in the family room, while evidence suggests that the stabbing occurred in the bedroom. In the third confession, Lapointe said that his grandmother in law was wearing a pink housecoat. No such article of clothing was ever found. Hmmmm…… (Aren’t you thinking it too? Whoever wrote the confessions does not seem to have read the evidence very well. Of course, that is easy to write now.) Worse, DNA in a pubic hair found at the scene does not match Lapointe’s DNA. The author obviously wants Lapointe’s conviction overturned. After reading the article, I am obviously hoping for the same thing.
Despite all he has been through, (being wrongfully convicted, losing his wife, losing a relationship with his son) he is not bitter. He is not angry with police over three signed confessions. “They were just dong their jobs.” Can you imagine that? He is a saint. I have fantasies about strangling people who get in the 12 items or less lane with a full cart of groceries. He can forgive years of incarceration and not even understand being angry.
May 4
Many people have heart problems where I work. At least four have had open-heart surgery. Wondering why, I have been pondering anger and the effects on the heart.
I work with angry people every day. They mirror my internal anger that I need to see. I have a lot to learn.
On a routine physical, my doctor completed an EKG on me. He noted that I have a minor blockage. It is a slow down of blood from one chamber of the heart to the next. He noted this as being a minor thing, “I could send you to a cardiologist but it is not necessary…” I have few health complaints and have never had any problems related to my heart. I note that this is how the heart problems begin.
Is there anything I can learn?
Since then, I have had a few incidents where I got really angry. I got so upset, I felt my heart burn. As I thought about how anger affected me, I realized that it felt like someone had my heart in a vice grip. Anger actually has a physical effect on the body.
I deal with anger, I indulge in anger, I do not back down when faced with another’s anger. I probably need to learn to let go, to not engage in it and to not get hooked by anger. It is a dance I need to learn to ignore for my own benefit. For me, that will be easier said than done.
As soon as I started to pay attention to the tomato plant mysteriously growing in my beloved houseplant, it started to decline and look sad. I thought it was my imagination until all the leaves fell off. I have never seen tomato plants lose their leaves unless pulled off so I am really confused as to how this could happen. The mystery source that gave the tomato life mocks me and started to kill the tomato plant as soon as I began to fuss over it.
I had been dying to see what kind of tomato might grow on this plant since I planted yellow Shaker pear tomatoes and red large heirloom Shaker tomatoes in the kitchen. How did tomato seeds get into the houseplant? What kind got in there? If the tomato plant dies, I will never know. Best to go back to ignoring it. I did put it on the outside deck to get more heat and sunshine, which could kill my houseplant.
I moved my beta fish to a shelf in the kitchen where it is really hot in the summer heat. Heat can speed the life cycle of the affliction on his back. I hope this will help him. He is up high to keep him safe from the bored, predatory male cats that like to stalk him. Unfortunately, I find that I keep forgetting to feed him in this new spot
I called the State Police about my packet of information from last fall. One found it interesting but conflicts with what they think they know about the killer. They believe that the killer is dead. I am not sure about that.
All in all, it has been a few weeks of no successes and some failures. I keep weeding and cannot keep up. I am sharing the garden with my beloved and my downstairs neighbor. Neither feels the need to weed.
The weeds are bigger, thicker and stronger than the plants we are tending. Thoughts keep running in my head about the ability of the dark and negative to overpower what we grow in love. Weeds blanket the ground of the garden filling all the empty spaces. They choke my small flowers.
I feel that there are many messages to be learned in battling the garden weeds. One four foot tall weed popped up almost overnight enjoying the benefits of my expensive rich soil. Squatter. If I love all life, is it ok to hate weeds? I feel conflicted about my joy in pulling them out of the ground.
When Brian died, accompanying news reports said that the woman he was with just prior to his suicide accused him of rape. For me personally, rape is a serious, awful crime; a terrible violation. This was hard news to hear about Brian.
I have thought a lot about Brian’s “tortured mind.” At first, I wondered if the rape allegation had anything to do with it. I didn’t get any information there. It either was not relevant or not important. The intuitive landscape led me to money.
A year ago, I knew that extortion was at the bottom of Brian’s suicide and I assumed that in time, the police would find out and make that known. My intuition told me that the woman was in on an extortion plot with two other men. The woman who claimed rape was helping two other men extort money from Brian.
Hoping for an inside update, I saw his brother recently and asked in general about the information I had given him about Brian. (At the time, he had looked at me with wide eyes. He had slightly demanded to know where I had gotten the information with suspicion. I never got the sense that it was appreciated or received well, but I am not here for appreciation. I am just the messenger.) He surprised me when he said his mother had gotten great comfort from knowing that Brian was at peace. All there is- is love.
As an acquaintance, it is not easy to ask anyone personal questions. It is not appropriate at work. It is harder to ask an upper boss question you have no right to ask. I persisted. “What about the possible extortion?”
There are layers to what we can deal with. At different times, things are easier. A year has passed so I am hoping that he is ok to talk about this. He looked at me curiously but said nothing.
I persisted. “Did the police find out anything about the extortion?” I assumed that there was an investigation with follow-up reports that explained the whole story, not just what was known at the time. I was wrong. I probably need to stop watching television.
Brian’s brother looked at me. I don’t know what the poor guy was thinking. Thankfully, he explained anyway.Brian had borrowed $15,000 from him a short time before his death. He hadn’t asked for what he needed the money. At the time, Brian had seemed desperate for money. Only recently had his brother just finished paying off that loan for Brian.
Brian had asked his brother for money right before his death. He probably had no where else to turn when more money was needed. Crime was not an option. Therein lay his tortured mind. He was a middleclass African American male who would not steal.
I would hate to believe that anyone would ever falsely accuse a man of rape. It goes against the grain knowing how many women have had to fight to be believed. Thinking about Brian’s tortured mind, I get no information or inkling of a rape. I can’t help but wonder if this claim was a distraction to explain why a man would go upstairs in her building and shoot himself. I hope that I am wrong.
I am left with the awful taste of injustice. I am wondering why this is coming up now and I do not have any answers. It may help his family to know that his name was cleared but that is an earthbound way of thinking. Brian does not require vengeance.
In spirit, the dead are very forgiving. Why? On earth, we walk as actors in a script that we act out to work out our past life and present life sins and karma. We are not to blame for what happens to us. Sometimes when bad things happen to us now, we caused them for someone else in another time and need to experience the hardship ourselves. We are on the universe’s roller coaster ride of life lessons. Other times, a bad thing (car crash, divorce) may be the event which detours us onto a new career, a new life and our spiritual path. In retrospect, sometimes the worst thing that can ever happen to us is actually the best thing that ever happened to us. In this larger view, we need to be forgiving.
In the circle of love, forgiveness is the final act.
May 17
My beta fish is struggling. He is starting to be unable to control himself physically. He rolls into a floating position every once in a while.
I am upset about him. I feel like we are on the beta deathwatch.
He has the white mark of trouble on his fin. I have tried three different kinds of ‘medicine’ for it to no avail. There is never much that can be done for a fish.
While searching for another brand of beta medicine, the person working at the pet shop said that three years is a long life for a beta fish, as if I should be happy he lasted so long. I still wish that there was more that I could do. Technically, I paid $3 for him but have spent $20 on bottles of miracle cures. It is hard to watch him struggle and do nothing.
My shamanic teacher always says sometimes it is their time to go. Despite what I wrote about Bill, I wish there was someway to stop this process and help my fish.
Planting seeds.
I planted seeds in February and fussed over them. I do it every year. I love watching things grow.
I plant seeds as an act of faith that winter will end. I plant hoping that these seeds will grow and live. I have never been able to plant one of these seedlings in a garden yet.
Two inch buds grew…. I watched with great hope. The poppies sprouted, shot up, and died first in less than two weeks. It was liking watching a graceful mass suicide.
Other seedlings grew more slowly. I repotted these seedlings carefully into larger containers sometime in April. I hovered and watered. … And watched all slowly die by May. They actually seemed to mold over so it may have been the soil.
In April, I found some heirloom Quaker tomato seeds that I had meant to plant. I tossed some into another container and left them upstairs in the warmest room in the house. One plant shot up to 4 inches in four weeks, outgrowing plants started 3 months prior. This leads me to conclude that nothing is predictable when planting.
The Quaker tomato plant has been moved to the garden. As I watch it, I hold my breath. He is the first I have ever been able to plant outside. I buried most of him to give him a good root base but a lot can happen in a Connecticut growing season.
While I struggle with seeds that should grow, I noticed one of my house plants has a weird climbing stalk that does not match the houseplant’s pointed leaves. The climbing stalk has familiar leaves; those of a tomato plant. A tomato plant is growing freely in one of my house plants. Someone is mocking me.
They say that there really is a fairy per house plant keeping it alive. I think that they might be trying to teach me a lesson. It is not logical but they are more successful than me. A tomato plant is thriving where there were no tomato seeds. Worse, parts of the tomato plant have started withering since I started watching it.
Yellow Jacket Update:
I began blasting a radio at the bedroom wall where the yellow jackets had been living last fall. I did this for 5 days in April before realizing that there are no yellow jackets leaving the hole. They were gone already. Why did my intuition tell me last fall to blast the boom box at the bedroom window wall this spring if they were already gone? I know that I did NOT scare off the yellow jackets in 5 days. I feel led astray by my intuition.
My next door neighbor still wants to shoot the hole by the bedroom window with bug killing spray. He likes killing things.
While out watering flowers, my neighbor who lives below noticed that some yellow jackets are carefully building a nest under the roofline of the shed. I ask him if I could get a boombox onto the roof to scare them off. What did he say? “Your choice of music will only scare the neighbors, not the bees. Is that fair to the neighbors?”
I went to Bill’s memorial service. I was wondering what he would look like if I saw him. Supposedly ghosts like to attend their funerals. I don’t see ghosts so I had no expectation of seeing one, just a curiosity. No- that’s not true. I was a little anxious that I might start seeing them.
We only saw Bill in suits at work. I wondered what Bill would wear if we saw him. I had a sense that he loved to dress up and add his dash of flair and color to every outfit he wore. He has a hot sauce tie that matched impeccably with his suit and shirt so that it looked like a beautiful outfit, not a tacky tie with a suit. He wore a lot of jewel tones (purples, blues) so that I noticed a vibrancy of color in his perfect color coordination.
A co-worker thought that Bill would wear a Hawaiian shirt and khakis on his free time. I had a sense of a casual suit. During the memorial service, I held my breath anxiously. I did so because I never know what to expect anymore. Thankfully, I saw no ghosts.
During one song, I saw Bill in my mind’s eye in a casual tan suit, probably a linen suit, get into a Cadillac convertible and ride straight into the sun. This suit idea conflicted with my co-worker’s idea so I doubted my vision. We asked his sister after the service what Bill would wear and she confirmed that he loved to dress well. If not doing work around the farm and going out, he’d be wearing a suit.
That was Bill riding into the spirit realm in style.
My beta fish is struggling. He is starting to be unable to control himself physically. He rolls into a floating position every once in a while. I am upset about him. I feel like we are on the beta deathwatch.
He has the white mark of trouble on his fin. I have tried three different kinds of ‘medicine’ for it to no avail. There is never much that can be done for a fish.
While searching for another brand of beta medicine, the person working at the pet shop said that three years is a long life for a beta fish, as if I should be happy he lasted so long. I still wish that there was more that I could do. It is hard to watch him struggle and do nothing.
My shamanic teacher always says sometimes it is their time to go. Despite what I wrote about Bill, I wish there was someway to stop this process and help my fish. There may be a lovely warm pond up in the sky for him but I am not ready to let him go. That sounds really selfish. Also, if he dies, what do I do with the snails who live in his bowl? They came with the live plant I got from the expensive retail pet shop.
At work, I was slapped with a label by a smart ass. On it was drawn a butterfly drawn in red marker. I was excited.
I saw a butterfly today.
Monday:
Someone talked to Bills’ family. According to his family, the neighbor does not know what they were talking about in relation to Bill. When their brother gets home, the family will consult with the doctors about his course of treatment.
Tuesday:
I got the news today. Bill died. My friend from work who called was upset. Normally, I would be too but all I can think of is the woman waiting for Bill. My impression is that woman can’t wait to see him again. I am kind of excited for him.
When I went back to work on April 12, I asked if there had been any news from Bill’s family. There is not. But I did find out that Bill broke ribs, his collar bone and developed water on the brain as a result of his fall. His neighbor had been back in to the store and says Bill’s brother has been on vacation and returns this weekend.
I asked my spirit guides for help going to meet Bill. Instead of my planning a journey, I asked them to help me. I began to walk…. In a frozen snowy field. Several wolves ran along side me on either side of the path. (I have seen them for many years and assumed that they were dogs.) I asked about some medicine animals accompanying me and asked, “Wolf?” Heard nothing. “Bear?” Still no reply.
Then, I heard, “Yak.” A yak was the medicine animal this time. I do not know what they do or symbolize. I am not going to lie. I do not know a ---- thing about them. I like yaks and even have a yak bell, but I am clueless as to what they look like.
‘Himalayas- mountains’ occurred to me. I look up and see mountains. Snowy peaks greet me. Next thing, I am wearing warm clothes and am walking up hill. I do not see how I am going to see, find or talk to Bill like this. This feels off the wall.
Snow begins to fall. There is a flurry of it in my face. I think of Bill and he appears before me in a parka with a furry collar. Snow flurries between us. I don’t think that I will be able to hear him.
He is in front of me but because of the snow, I do not see his eyes as clearly. As a result, I wonder about my impression of his perfect mental clarity that I had prior. It is like I am actually talking to him in a snowstorm somewhere.
“Bill, how are you?”
“Doing as well as can be expected,” he replies.
I do not want to say anything wrong after last time. I do not know what to say. I ask, “How are you feeling?”
“I am ready for sun,” he said. He nods as if with certainty. “I am ready to stand in the sun.”
I think that this desire for a change, and to stand in the sun is a good sign. “Is there anything I can do to help?”
He smiles and says, “You have done enough already.” This is why I love this man. I have done absolutely NOTHING for him and he can say that. Also he says it so graciously like he truly means it.
“Bill, your sister is saying that you are going to be ok.”
“She does that,” he replied.
I am silent to avoid saying anything wrong. I wish that I could say something meaningful, but I can think of nothing.
Bill continues, “I want to- I want to see my brother one more time.”
We don’t say much else. As I wait for something to happen or words to come to me, Bill and I grow distant as space jumps between us.
This time, I see a horse and rider encircle him. I notice the gait on the horse; it is light and graceful with a pretty step. This is probablyan expensive horse. I wonder if he and the horse have any connection.
Next, I realize that there is an intensity to the gaze of the rider of the horse towards Bill. Is it a man or a woman? This person is fiercely guarding Bill, probably has been for some time. As I wonder about the sex of the rider, I see gold highlights on a brown ponytail.
Afterwards, I began to conclude that the person is a woman. There is a woman waiting for Bill on the other side. This is not a family member. She loves him very much, with a burning romantic intensity….
Ok, what do I know?!! It could be a family member. This could be his mother on the horse. I sense intensity. Family members feel like comforting warmth. This feels like a burning intensity-something I personally have not experienced. The feeling is so intense that I feel like something really good awaits Bill.
One of my favorite co-workers is Bill. I don’t know him well but I know that he is kind and decent. He is an older man, possibly in his seventies. He lives on a farm with his sister where she keeps rescued horses.
On Monday, another co-worker announced to me that Bill is actually brain dead. His neighbor knows somehow. I had not even heard that Bill was sick.
This is a shock and a loss. If it is true, it is a tragedy.
There is lots of rumor at work. Often it is true. This sounded like cold gossip.
I decided to try to meditate and meet up with Bill to verify the truth. If he is in a coma, I might be able to talk to him. If he was just injured, I might be able to see him, assess his state and possibly help.
I planned to go to a certain field and meet up with what I think is Bill’s higher self. As I planned it, an image of Bill appeared in a suit like he would wear at work.
On Monday night, I went to try to talk to Bill in the spiritual field. He came up in a tan tunic of some sort. His eyes were bright and clear. He looked very mentally alert to me.
I said, "Hello Bill. How are you doing?"
He said, "Pretty good considering." That sounded like Bill’s dry humor. I thought his eyes were crinkling in a smile when he spoke. It may have been my imagination.
Not knowing what to do (there is not script for these things), I proceeded clumsily. "Bill, you have to go on a long journey (death). Are you ready?"
He just stared. I thought he began to look blank. He said nothing for 45 seconds. His not saying anything worried me.
Should I not have mentioned death? Does he not know? Was it not appropriate? Is he going to be ok and I just introduced some inappropriate idea?
"Bill would you like me to tell anyone anything? Is there anything I can do to help you?"
Again, he did not answer. My worrying about shamanic inadequacies and myself was ruining my concentration. I could not hear anything or think of anything else to say.
As I wondered, the picture of Bill changed. He was off in the near distance maybe ten feet away. He was surrounded by all kinds of animals. There was a black bird on his shoulder. He comes from a family of animal lovers so their presence was not surprising.
He did not respond to me after I implied death. From this, I assumed that he does not know he is dying. Maybe he is not dying. Maybe he is not ready to go. He could be hanging on for some reason. Or, he could be getting ready to walk out of the hospital soon in perfect health.
At work, the only facts from his family are that he is fallen and is in the hospital. Maybe that is all we need to know. I hate to hear gossip about when I care about the person.
At first, I didn't know what to make of this. Now it occurred to me that the black bird was a crow. In spiritual terms, the crow is a sign of magic and powerful transformation. To the Irish, a crow is often a sign that someone has passed away. Time will tell.
I have been awake since 5:30am with a nagging that I need to write about Brian. Brian’s death was the start of weird things happening.
Brian, aged 43, committed suicide over a year ago. I didn’t actually know him; I was an acquaintance. I know his brother on an acquaintance / boss basis. I saw his brother a week later and felt for him. He was dealing with his grief in public.
Grief is a tricky thing. It can be vicious. You can be sucker punched by it at any time. Convention says one should be back to “normal” after someone you love dies. There is a time for mourning, and then convention says you should be over it like a cold. In truth, you can be hit by intense emotions three years after a death of someone close. Convention does not allow for that and should you not conform, alienation is your only friend.
Brian was young. I wondered what could make a grown man shoot himself in the prime of his life.
The download began. The words “tortured mind,” “overwhelming despair” and “possible extortion” appeared in my mind’s eye. Then I got a picture of Brian walking forward peacefully with his hands in his pocket. He was calm. I saw him in casual but beautiful (GQ Cover look) clothes: a sports coat, nice pants and expensive shoes. The image was of a man at peace with himself. The image was also a message. He wanted his family to know that he was at peace.
I faced an internal struggle. I wanted Brian’s brother to know he was at peace, but I feared looking like a lunatic at work. (Blah, blah, story of my internal struggles for past few years.) In the end, I felt that the right thing to do was to pass all the information along to Brian’s brother and family. Wasn’t that what the picture was for? In the end, love is all there is.
Brian sent love. He wanted peace for his family. He was sorry for any trouble that he caused and wanted his family to know that he loved them. He died because he was too tortured to live and now he was at peace.
From beyond, we get a picture of a happy ending. Brian is in spirit; peace, love and forgiveness is all that matters to them.
February 26
My alarm clock went off. I woke to hear about the man who kicked the cat to death in Enfield (November 2008). He admitted kicking the cat but claims that he did not intend its death. For invisible injury due to kicking, the cat had sadly serious symptoms that indicate to me that the guy was vicious while kicking. If he didn’t intend it harm, he is either delusional or a liar. It is not my place to judge so I am not wise.
When this first happened, I was upset. Cruelty to anyone or anything is repugnant. How could anyone hurt such a defenseless animal? He kicked the cat repeatedly in front of a grandmother and her grandson. Hearing that, I heard bullying and delight in intimidation. (That is probably why there is an expression that fences make good neighbors.)
In the United States, we revere celebrity, wealth and athletic achievement. The measure of a man or woman seems to be how much money they make, how famous they are (no matter for what reason) or how well they perform on an athletic field. I respect the achievement, accomplishment, and dedication required to achieve wealth, important positions, and other outward signs of material success. I do not care about a person’s fame or fortune.
I think a measure of a man or woman is their character. I define character by one’s personal ethics, their treatment of those who are defenseless and those in servile positions. How do you treat the poor, the elderly, the young, and the defenseless? If you found a wallet, would you look in it and take out money if you thought you could get away with it? How do you treat people who work a drive through window or clean for a living?
I would not look in the wallet. Any money in it would be safe with me. I have safeguarded student fees (and plastic forks, plastic spoons) and treated them as if they were gold to be guarded. I worked on a college campus where hungry people too lazy to clean the kitchen silverware attacked me to get at the plastic forks. I can be trusted with many things. I can therefore look myself in the eye every morning. I also believe that many other people can be trusted but definitely not all people.
In spiritual terms, what goes around will come around. If you take from another, a situation will occur to take that dollar amount from you. If you steal $50 from a wallet, you will probably experience an unfairness where you will lose or have to pay $50 elsewhere.
My cat kicker failed the character test in many ways, but I doubt that he cares. According to Q’uero Shamanism, evil is a human invention not found in nature. The grandmother and grandson will probably be affected for years to come by what they saw and could not prevent. As I judge him, I am not proud of my response to his actions. Not only did I judge him, I wanted to mail cat feces to his house (with two large male cats, I have plenty to spare) every day until time’s end. The only reason I didn’t is because I was afraid it would violate some Postal Service law and I’d be in really big trouble when they tracked me down. I may be on a spiritual path, but I am not wise.
To end on a positive note, all the love we send out into the universe comes back to us as well. If you see a ladybug, a butterfly or a dragonfly, you are receiving 'attaboy' signs from the universe.
